Gallic Wars: Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of
French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
Hundred Years War: Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who
inadvertently creates the First Rule of French Warfare: "France's armies
are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose
two wars when fighting Italians.
Wars of Religion: France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.
Thirty Years War: France is technically not a participant, but manages to
get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other
participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution: Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
chapeaux.
The Dutch War: Tied.
War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War: Lost,
but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the
world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
War of the Spanish Succession: Lost. The War also gave the French their
first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
American Revolution: In a move that will become quite familiar to future
Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far
more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome," and leads to the
Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of
the fighting."
French Revolution: Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also
French.
The Napoleonic Wars: Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!)
due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British
footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War: Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk frat
boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
World War I: Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United
States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep
with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread
use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French
bloodline.
World War II: Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and
Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
War in Indochina: Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the
Dien Bien Flu.
Algerian Rebellion: Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by
a non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of
Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to
the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish,
Vietnamese, and Esquimaux.
War on Terrorism: France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to
Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese
ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's
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