The phone rang in San Diego at two o'clock on Tuesday morning, August 16, 1966. It was his wife, Ann Cheung, calling from Santa Barbara. "Alan has died.,, She said. "He wanted me to call you right away to let you know that he will not be able to be your best man at your wedding this Saturday. He has been very sick these last two months, but he always thought that he would be able to make it to your wedding. That's why he did not want to tell you of his illness. But now you have to make other plans."
Shocked senseless, I don't think I said anything over the phone. Not even a word of comfort was said. After a few more seconds of silence, Ann said in her calming voice, "I am all right, Teddy. But you take care of yourself."
If there were ever a person who was indestructible and invincible, it was Sai Mo. I always thought of him in terms of being eternal, like being eternally youthful and ageless. I did not associate him with death or even illness. For the longest time, it was not in my awareness that he had died.
He was a prince among men. Everyone wanted to be his friend. He was fun and spontaneity incarnate. Athletic, witty and handsome, he was the focus in every girl's backward glance. For the longest time, it was unacceptable in my mind that he had died.
There's a grief that can't be spoken
There's a pain goes on and on
Empty chairs at empty tables
Now my friends are dead and gone (Les Miserables)
Someone once said that life is mainly memory making. Events and people not only make us laugh and cry at the same time, but they become memories and we will live and relive those laughs and cries again and again through them.
After Pui Ching, I came to Chicago in August of 1959 and Sai Mo went to Oakland less than a year later. But we spent the summers of 1960 and 61 in New York City. The memories of those two summers would become joy fulfilled for a lifetime. I have felt no need to be together with him again. The nutrient of his friendship would nurture me in good times and bad for the rest of my life.
The summer before Jeanette and I were married, we went to visit him in Santa Barbara. He was his happy and optimistic self. Ann was very nice to him, supportive and worshipful at the same time. We went swimming and picnicking. But most of the time we talked. He was a lot more talkative than before and a lot more thoughtful. It was a kind of pensive thoughtfulness. More than once, I said teasingly that he was too young to be a philosopher and that only when man had a bad marriage he would become a philosopher. He laughed. He said he did not have a bad marriage. He only had a bad life. He smiled and was even full of optimism when he said it.
He wanted to talk about life in general and his life in particular. He wanted to explain to me the meaning of life and the meaning of disappointments, of betrayal and of forgiveness. Although I was interested in talking about the future, he insisted on bringing up the past, past happiness, past sadness and past hurts. He mentioned over and over again of those who had left deep marks
in his life and he wondered aloud if he would be remembered and how he would be remembered.
I did not respond to his wondering. I knew that he knew he would be remembered by all his friends and would be remembered with great fondness and love. Remembering him will always bring back those happier times of our youth. He was one of those rare people who could always make you feel good, feel better about yourself than you should, and feel better about the world even when it was about to fall apart.
I was looking forward to having him stand by my side as I was taking the most important step in my life, but that was not meant to be. Tony Kwok took his place and helped me get through that day far more than expected of a best man. Thanks, Tony. David Zai, Peter Sun, Patrick Wong and S.S. Lau were the Lighters present at the reception. They will never know how grateful I was for their presence. Thank you, one and all.
Once he wondered aloud how he would be remembered. He will be remembered just fine. He will be remembered like a brother, just as Alex Li said. He will be remembered as a man for all seasons. He will be remembered with an empty space in our hearts and an empty chair at our table when we Lighters get together.
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