'Till I Hold You Once More'

1998

     When it came to girls, John could never predict what was going to happen next, either on his part or on theirs. He was sixteen going on to seventeen in three months. This was his senior year in high school. While he found some girls attractive in his school, he was never certain how to approach them. At times, he was actually baffled by his own sentiments. On more than one occasion, he would find one of the girls particularly attractive, at least, enough to go out on dates. He gathered enough courage to ask that girl out. But, invariably, in a period of a few weeks to a few months, he would lose interest in that girl and go out of his way to avoid her. Always fair, he realized that his antipodal feelings were no fault of the girl he was dating. He felt badly to treat a girl that way but he had no idea how to handle the situation any better. Was this the way with other boys, he wondered. It could not possibly be a universal thing. His good friend, Steve, was not like that. Steve just did not go out with any girl and therefore, never became too deeply involved with anyone. No commitment, no breakup and no guilt. So, on this Christmas season, John resolved to remain neutral for a while. Maybe for the rest of his senior year. He told everyone it was his plan to go to college and obtained an advanced degree someday. There should be plenty of time for girls in college and after. Therefore, looking back, it was quite a surprise that his first real romance happened at this time. 

Sometime during the summer before his senior year, a few of his school friends got together in one of the kid's home and had a dancing party. John was totally ignorant of the art of fox trot, waltz and cha cha cha, which was the rage of the late 50's. But all the girls at the party were quite good at it. They teased, dragged, encouraged and taught him everything he ever knew about the art of dancing. After a few of these get-togethers, he became reasonably proficient at it. He was not a good dancer by any means but with practice, he eventually managed to lead his partner with some confidence on the dance floor. He decided that he liked dancing. More precisely, he was reasonably comfortable at it. Dancing is a sport and like sport, some proficiency is absolutely necessary to be able to enjoy it.

Senior year in high school was unlike earlier years. When one was a freshman or sophomore, there was little uncertainty about what would happen the next year. If you were an underclassman, you knew where you were going next. You knew who your new teachers would be and what courses you would be taking. If you were lucky, you might even know what the problems would likely to be on the exams next year. As a senior, John had no idea what college he would be attending even though he was certain to attend one. There were few choices in HK, an island of four million people and very few colleges. Hong Kong University was quite out of the question. Even the best students from his high school did not qualify without another two years of intermediate schooling. The Chinese University, which started only a year or so earlier, was a more likely alternative. However, the most probable choice was to attend some university in the United States or Australia. John did not know how to get accepted in one of the many universities overseas but he was not that worried about it. He had sent away a couple of applications to the States and he expected to hear from them sometime in April. 

In the meantime, there were other more immediate concerns. His family was not that well off. His father had been out of a job for six months now. Even if his father found a job eventually, he did not want his father to pay for his college education in the States. The exchange rate was 8 to 1, eight dollars HK to one dollar US. He must somehow get a scholarship beyond the first year if he was going to the States. For that, he definitely needed better grades. John was a decent student but far from brilliant. His grades were acceptable but there was plenty of room for improvement. He had heard that he would have to take a SAT, Standard Aptitude Test. He had no idea what the test was all about. Should not be too different from the hundreds of tests that he had taken in high school already. At least, that was what he assumed. He had no inkling that the English portion of the aptitude test was drastically different from any test that he had ever taken. He also had no idea that the IQ test was yet another adventure altogether. However, those tests were things to come in the future. During this Christmas season, he was going to do a little studying and a lot more dancing. He had to improve his dancing skills, even more than his English skill. To do that, he had befriended the three girls who were certainly the Muses of his little group. He invited one or the other to the house to practice whenever possible. Strictly business, of course. It seemed improbable but romance was far from his thoughts.

All three girls were quite charming. While Ellen was the best dancer, Sarah was undoubtedly the prettiest. Ann, on the other hand, was the smartest and more intellectually inclined. Wouldn't it be perfect if there was a girl with Ann's intellect, Sarah's looks and Ellen's talent? In real life, he was simply quite happy to associate with all three girls and always enjoyed their company. Of course, all three girls were quite popular among John's classmates. Sarah, in particular, was constantly being courted by a number of male students. She did not seem to mind the attention. Quite the contrary, she rather basked in it. John had no idea if she was going steady with anyone. On the surface at least, she did not seem to be involved with anyone in particular. None of the three girls were.

During the Christmas season, there was no school between Christmas and New Year. There was just one school organized holiday celebration but there were many more private parties. In fact, there were parties just about every day during the holidays. Somedays, there were two. Everyone got quite a workout and lots of practice.

Of all the parties, the one on New Year's Eve seemed to be the most important. John did not know the host of that party but it was to take place in a rental hall, much more formal than the usual affairs that took place in someone's home. Since John did not know the host, he was just one of the escorts of Ann and Ellen. Sarah was invited to the party too but she had some other obligation that evening. Given the number of parties around, someone as popular as Sarah would be in great demand and could afford to be selective. John did not know the other classmate who was going to accompany the two ladies. 
On the afternoon before New Year's Eve, John was practicing a new step at Sarah's house. A few of their friends were there too.
"John, can you stay for dinner and help me with the geometry homework problems." Sarah said during one of the short breaks in action. "I had trouble with them this morning and they are due the day after the holidays."

"Sure, not a problem. I was just doing them this morning." John responded without thinking. "They are a bit tricky and the truth is that I don't have the answers to all the problems either. Perhaps, together we can do better."

There was a party that evening It was an informal affair. People came and went, individually or in groups. Both of them had planned to go. The holiday parties usually lasted until 1 AM in the morning. There was no need to be there before 10 PM at the earliest. They might as well use the time between the parties productively. Dress requirement for most of the parties was relaxed in this kind of informal get-togethers. Even so, John expected Sarah to look beautiful anyway. With long dark hair and bright shining eyes, she always did. She looked good even in school uniform, which was quite common in Hong Kong. Sarah had a small mouth with slightly pouting rose color lips. John found them particularly sensual and sometimes wondered what it would be like to kiss them. Up to that point in his life, he had never kissed any girls before. He wondered what it would be like to kiss someone and what it would be like to kiss Sarah. Just an idle thought, of course.

Soon after five, everyone departed for their respective homes and prepared for the events of the evening. As promised, John stayed and helped with the homework problems. Geometry was always a bit difficult with all those theorems and proofs. Very often, even obvious statements could be difficult to prove. They were struggling a bit and not making a great deal of headway. To save time, he was explaining to Sarah how to solve some of the problems that he already knew the answers. In the middle of the third problem, Sarah suddenly said, 

"John, I've decided to go to that New Year Eve party after all."
"Oh, what about your other commitment?"
"They will have to do without me this time." She looks at him, slightly amused. "It is just another party."

To John, a promise was a promise and should not be broken without a good cause. But Sarah was probably right. It was indeed just another party. He had no idea if she had planned to go alone, with a partner, or in a group. Until that afternoon, he had never really been alone with Sarah although they had partied together many times. Even in the practice sessions, they were not really alone. Knowing that Sarah was very popular and his own plans for the near future, he had no design on Sarah or any other girls. In any event, he did not think Sarah would be interested in him. Kissing her was just an idle thought, about as probable as kissing Grace Kelly, his favorite movie idol at the time.

"You will need a partner for this party." He looked at her and said.
"Well, can you suggest someone?"

"I don't know what Steve is doing tomorrow but he may be willing to change whatever plan he has. I'll ask him to be your escort."

She did not respond immediately. After what seemed to John like a long pause, "I would like you to be my escort. Let Steve or someone else escort Ann." she mumbled rather softly, looking down at her geometry book.

He was a little startled with the unexpected request. Instinctively, he did not think he should do that but did not wish to disappoint Sarah, "Oh, I don't think I should do that but it is not important who is escorting whom. Among ourselves, it should be easy to switch partners. I'll be more than happy to dance with you at the party."

They saw Steve that evening and persuaded him to go to the New Year's Eve party with them the next evening. John did not elaborate on who Steve was supposed to be escorting. He was not sure himself. As with many other boys in his class, he found Sarah attractive. They had been in the same home-room in tenth grade but for the last two years, they had different home-rooms. He did not see her that often. While he had gone out with other girls on occasions, he had never thought of dating Sarah. Her popularity and the competition, real or imaginary, seemed just too much to overcome. The fact that Sarah was a part of his little group of friends was quite a surprise to him. Certainly, the formation of the group was not his doing. He had no idea how the group came about. It appeared to just happen out of thin air. No one organized it. No leaders and no followers. No one invited him to join and he was pretty sure that no one invited any one to join. 

As he was going home that night, the music of Patti Page's 'Changing Partner' kept ringing in his ears. 

So I keep on changing partner,
Till I hold you once more.

Softly, he sang to himself and wondered about Sarah's request. Certainly, it was not common for a girl to ask a boy to a party or a movie in those days. However, it was not unheard of either. John had been asked a couple of times before and each time, the encounter had turned into a more prolonged relationship. Of course, those relationships never amounted to anything serious. Nothing to get too excited. Sarah could be different though. Very different. Was the request meant to be an invitation by Sarah? He could not imagine that Sarah, perhaps the most sought-after girl in his class, could be falling for him. And even if she was at that moment, how long would she be interested? A week, a month or a year. Did that matter at all? 

'Tis better to have love and lost,Than never to have love at all.
John did not remember which poet had said that but he wasn't sure the poet was right. The little that John had experienced in his short life taught him that the lost part was not all that endearing.
On the day of the New Year's Eve party, they all met at the ferry as the party was on the other side of Victoria Harbor. In those days, picking up a date at her house could be quite a chore. The girls understood. However, the boys would escort the girls home after the parties. Just as John had anticipated, the escort arrangement was not an issue since he danced with all three girls without preference. All evening, Sarah had not said anything to him that could be interpreted as encouraging. He was having a wonderful time and his dancing skill was clearly improving. He was missing fewer steps and when that happened, he was able to recover quickly. However, he could not forget Sarah's intriguing remark of the previous day even though it now seemed quite innocent to him. 

'Changing Partner' was played again. On an impulse, he asked Sarah to the waltz. Was there a right approach to this? No matter how much practice he had, the fear of rejection was always impossible to dismiss. Part way through the music, he asked with some trepidation,"Sarah, would you like to go to a movie with me next weekend?" 

He had no idea what movie was playing in the local theaters but she did not seem to hesitate. As if she had been waiting for him to ask, she nodded readily and said, "Yes, I'll be happy to." 
Stealing a glance at Sarah's face, those smiling eyes assured him that he had probably done the right thing. A sense of relief came over him. He tightened his arms slightly around her, slowing the pace of the waltz in the process and whatever the lyric said, he was not in a hurry to change partners for a while. John took Sarah home that evening as she lived relatively close to his home. At her door, he was not sure what was the proper way to say good night. After some awkward moments, he took Sarah tentatively in his arms and hesitantly kissed her on her lips. He did not know what to say but he did notice that she had not pushed him away. He found those pouting lips soft and yielding and tasted even better than he had expected. Was there a right way to do this? He did not know but Sarah seemed content to let him experiment.
Since it was not that far, John decided to walk home instead of taking the bus. The air was cool. Hong Kong is in the subtropics. Even in winter, the temperature rarely drop below 55F. On that particular New Year's morning, the stars were shining especially brightly or so it seemed to John. Softly and wonderingly, he hummed his favorite melody all the way home.

Years gone by and many kisses later, he could still remember that very first kiss on that New Years Day. John and Sarah dated each other the rest of their senior year. He left for the States soon after graduation while Sarah stayed behind and became an elementary school teacher. For a time, they were very much in love as evidenced by their letters to each other. But time and the great distance eventually cooled the flame of their youthful longings. They never saw each other again after their senior year. When John heard Sarah was married some years later, he felt a sense of emptiness. By then, he had long earned his advanced degree but all the knowledge was no substitute for the romance in his heart. Despite their tender age, their brief affair had left an indelible impression on his mind that would surely last longer than his entire life. Was the poet right about love and lost? John could not offer an answer with any conviction. Knowledge can be gained, experience can be accumulated but feelings seem to renew forever. John would fall in love again but he was not any wiser.

More years had gone by. When the music started playing, the memory of that party on New Year's Eve of his senior year still lingers,

      So I keep on changing partner,
      Till I hold you once more.