Talk 730

Would, could and should, but did not
jtkoo@hotmail.com

For various reasons many lighters know I was a secrete admirer of a female Lighter, and even Winnie, my wife knows except possibly the subject of admiration herself as she prefers isolation from Lighters Internet email system.

After reading SS’s emails about my dancing, and hinting of something even more colorful at the Toronto reunion, last Thursday at the SF Bay Area “Pure Talk,” many Lighters asked me about kissing her, something never happened. I would, could, and should, but did not out of deference to her and to her husband who was not there.

Luckily Winnie took a somewhat nonchalant attitude toward this as long as I hold true and proclaim that she is the most beautiful and always right. She considers what happened is the fantasy or even dementia of an aged man with idle time, something to be put up with. Besides, she thinks marrying me is the dumbest thing she ever did, and no woman would be stupid enough to have an interest in me. After hearing a comment similar to this, one female Lighter concurred that she would not have me if I were the last man on earth. I am deflated and depressed.

So what is the story? On the first day at Pui Ching as the new comer to the class, I sat at one of the remaining empty seats against the wall. All the girls in the class were sitting in a column across the isle from me were very beautiful. The one sat directly across the isle between the blackboard and me, spouting a ponytail was exceptionally so. That noon, returning from lunch at home, I saw this ponytail girl at the bus stop waiting for #7 bus back to school. For the next year and half, I should see her either at the bus stop or saw her walking back to her home from the bus stop almost daily. Being the proverbial 97 lb weakling, lacking of self-confidence, speaking halting Cantonese, I talked to her at most once or twice. Never had the courage telling her how beautiful she was, something one day wish would have the courage to tell her personally.

How beautiful was she? Literature is my weak point; so let me plagiarize what others have described a beauty. 回眸一笑百媚生, 六宮粉黛無顏色 seems out of step with current society. 國色天香, 閉月羞花, 沉魚落雁. 一顧傾人城, 再顧傾人國. 傾城傾國 does not fit with then colonial Hong Kong (being not a country). 手如柔夷, 膚如凝脂, 領如蝤蠐, 齒如瓠犀, 螓首蛾眉, 巧笑倩兮, 美目盼兮 have words beyond my vocabulary. 羅衣何飄飄, 輕裾随風還. 顧眄遺光采, 長嘯氣若蘭 was not consistent with school uniform then. 仿佛兮若輕云之蔽月, 飄飄兮若流風之回雪. 遠而望之, 皎若太陽升朝霞; 迫而察之, 灼若芙蕖出淥波 described scenes never had a chance to observe. 秀色掩今古, 荷花羞玉顏. 浣紗弄碧水, 自與清波閑. 皓齒信難開, 沉吟碧雲間 is more applicable to where 荷花 grows. It does not grow in HK. 以花為貌, 以鳥為聲, 以月為神, 以柳為態, 以玉為骨, 以冰雪為膚, 以秋水為姿, 以詩詞為心, 行时風摆杨柳，静时文雅有余 is close but not quite. But would other Lighters say I lied; such beauty will not exist on earth? Believe the best description is 神魂颠倒. Again, Winnie is right, this may be the fantasy or dementia of an aged man. Therefore should this article offend anybody, I wrote this under influence without a clear and sound mind.

The year and half at Pui Ching was difficult if not poignant period for me. I regretted and resented for the opportunities presented and missed. So upon graduation, I made no effort of keeping contact with the Lighters and even gave my yearbook away. I was “incommunicado” with all the Lighters for about 40 years. In late 80’s and early 90’s, for several years, I visited Hong Kong monthly if not more often for business reasons but never once stepped into Pui Ching or even get close to it.

Growing older, I started to reminisce all the past with a rose colored glasses, only remembered the happy and beautiful moments and sometime even see things as they were instead of what they are. While my children view where our apartments, and my schools in Shanghai as dirty, dilapidated, run down and crumbling ram shackles, I see the beauty in them with deep emotions, fond memories and happy moments. One of my wishes then was to meet the beautiful girls of Section A Lighters again. For a while, I wonder if this dream would ever come true. But I am a lucky person. Many of my dreams and wishes came true (including meeting and marrying Winnie) for that I count my blessings everyday. In 1999 Toronto reunion, while I danced with other beautiful Lighters (my wishes also), I did not dance with her. When SS labeled my dance with as the dream come true, it is amazed how perceptive he is, of course this was after I danced with Winnie first. My next wish is see her and her husband at the next reunion. I often wonder if her daughters are as beautiful as their mother.

Did I proclaim Winnie is the most beautiful at the beginning of this article? Yes I did. Should I forget to do this, I will either lose my ear; sleep in the doghouse (or on the couch in HK) or both. Again, I never kissed the object of my secret admire. I would, could, and should, but did not. Another opportunity missed? No! If I did, it would be taking advantage of a situation instead of seizing an opportunity. Meanwhile, I count my blessings.

　